dear world,

my foot hurts.  it's probably the result of too much running, but i am not going to stop running.  the end.

love,
vanessa

So I made a bet earlier in the year that McCain would win because we have so many ignorant rednecks in this country that i thought would vote for him.  Guess not!  Yay Obama!  =)

Have been listening to music a lot.  I really love music.  There has been more drama.  For a few days Patrick was being nice, even wore his wedding ring and paid for date night.  I know those things don't sound like a big deal, but they kind of are unfortunately.  man that's sad!  i am kind of starting to not believe in marriage.  i feel like i have lost the sweet naievte that comes with being a new bride.  it's all fun and games until you really look at the whole picture.  Anyway.  So I am confused as usual, and have to do something about it soon.  We shall see.  Anyway here are some killers lyrics, have been listening to them a lot along with the Across the Universe soundtrack and DMB's Best of what's around.  Hope everyone is snappy!




Under the Gun, by the Killers

She's got her halo and wings
Hidden under his eyes
But she's an angel for sure
She just can't stop telling lies
But it's too late for his love
Already caught in a trap
His angel's kiss was a joke
And she is not coming back

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now

Yeah she's got a criminal mind
He's got a reason to pray
His life is under the gun
He's got to hold every day

Now he just wants to wake up
Yeah, just to prove it's a dream
Cause she's an angel for sure
But that remains to be seen

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now

Stupid on the streets of London
James Dean in the rain
Without her it's not the same
The same, the same, but it's alright

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Again and again

Have cried a lot of tears lately.  Amanda is pregnant.  Another one of my friends, gone to baby-land.  I am happy for her, but things just seem so impossible in my own life.  I cried a lot last week.  Sometimes I think it's time to let go.  Sometimes I don't know what to think.

Haven't seen you in quite a while
You were down the hole just passin time
Last time we met
Was a low-lit room
We were as close together as a
Bride and Groom
We ate the food
We drank the wine
Everybody having a good time
Except you
You were talking about the end of the world

So it's finals time and now I am supposed to be concentrating.  not going so great, but luckily i still have a week left to finish studying.  Last week there was a tropical storm that put me out of work for 2 days... which actually ended up okay because i had the stomach flu from hell those days and ended up sleeping and/ or barfing the whole time.  and pooping.  can't forget pooping.  i know, gross!

so i was way way tired for a long time, but i think i'm finally getting back into my routine.  went back to the gym for the first time in a week.  i find it crazy how incredibly linked my mental and physical heath are... if i am feeling good physically, then i usually have a positive attitude and vice versa.  i feel so dependent on the whole fitness endorphins thing.  i suppose there could be worse things to be dependent on. 

things have been weird at home, i don't even know where to start or where to end.  it's just very complicated and i am trying to take all things into consideration before i make any changes in my life.  i need to put myself first and that is difficult for me to do.  but it's my life, i only get one.  sigh.

okay i guess i should get back to the study attempt.  hope everyone is doing well.

love,
vanessa

Man this is a sad freakin journal!  Will try to stay more positive.

yesterday i rode my bike and ran, and i'm about to go do the same before work this morning.  i never before truly appreciated the healing power of running.  i feel like a different (happier) person when i run.  so i am going to make it a point to run at least 3-4 times per week and longer distances.  

oh, also, i'm putting forth true effort to stop the nail-biting... even called the old geezer with the recorded hypnosis messages, that has worked in the past.  so far one day and counting.

ok off to run.  yesterday was pat's bday i think he had a good time.  later!

--V 

juliet
 the dice was loaded from the start
and i bet that you exploded in my heart
i forget, i forget the movie song
when are you going to realize it was just that the time was wrong
juliet

you can fall for chains of silver
you can fall for chains of gold
you can fall for pretty strangers
and the promises they hold

i said i love you like the stars above
i love you till i die

i can't do a love song
i can't do anything except be in love with you
and all i do is miss you
and the way we used to be
and all i do is keep the beat
and the band company
and all i do is kiss you
through the bars of a rhyme

juliet
i said i love you like the stars above
i love you till i die
there's a place for us
you know the movie song
when are you going to realize it was just that the time was wrong
juliet

--The Killers, "Romeo and Juliet"

heavy week again... i'm tired of this heavy stuff.  i feel like i have not been there for patrick like i need to.  he got all sad the other day because he had a patient that overdosed and the patient didn't survive... when i got home patrick had out pictures of lance, i guess the situation reminded him of that... that time in his life was the saddest i have ever seen him... who wants to remember that?  heavy heavy.  anyway i was worried about him.  i feek like i could have been there for him more than i have... i have been there for my other friends, why not my husband?  anyway i'm going to try harder.  we will see.

 Wrote a paper for business law today about discrimination in the workplace.  actually a fairly interesting topic... was able to write it a lot faster because of that.

tomorrow going to see dave matthews band.  that should be cool.

i want to run in the morning so i'm going to get some sleep.  hope everyone is well!

--vanessa

ps:  amanda had some disheartening revelations about relationships today... how it seems everyone is just out to screw over their spouse.  i guess it is a little sad to lose that naivety...

... is apparently to drink lots of beer the night before.