opticgator

my first sports injury

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 03:27:26 GMT

dear world,

my foot hurts. it's probably the result of too much running, but i am not going to stop running. the end.

love,
vanessa

Election day

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:03:59 GMT

So I made a bet earlier in the year that McCain would win because we have so many ignorant rednecks in this country that i thought would vote for him. Guess not! Yay Obama! =)

Lyrics

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 03:16:59 GMT

Have been listening to music a lot. I really love music. There has been more drama. For a few days Patrick was being nice, even wore his wedding ring and paid for date night. I know those things don't sound like a big deal, but they kind of are unfortunately. man that's sad! i am kind of starting to not believe in marriage. i feel like i have lost the sweet naievte that comes with being a new bride. it's all fun and games until you really look at the whole picture. Anyway. So I am confused as usual, and have to do something about it soon. We shall see. Anyway here are some killers lyrics, have been listening to them a lot along with the Across the Universe soundtrack and DMB's Best of what's around. Hope everyone is snappy!

Under the Gun, by the Killers

She's got her halo and wings
Hidden under his eyes
But she's an angel for sure
She just can't stop telling lies
But it's too late for his love
Already caught in a trap
His angel's kiss was a joke
And she is not coming back

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now

Yeah she's got a criminal mind
He's got a reason to pray
His life is under the gun
He's got to hold every day

Now he just wants to wake up
Yeah, just to prove it's a dream
Cause she's an angel for sure
But that remains to be seen

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now

Stupid on the streets of London
James Dean in the rain
Without her it's not the same
The same, the same, but it's alright

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now
Again and again

tears

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:31:03 GMT

Have cried a lot of tears lately. Amanda is pregnant. Another one of my friends, gone to baby-land. I am happy for her, but things just seem so impossible in my own life. I cried a lot last week. Sometimes I think it's time to let go. Sometimes I don't know what to think.

recent

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 03:50:13 GMT

Haven't seen you in quite a while
You were down the hole just passin time
Last time we met
Was a low-lit room
We were as close together as a
Bride and Groom
We ate the food
We drank the wine
Everybody having a good time
Except you
You were talking about the end of the world

So it's finals time and now I am supposed to be concentrating. not going so great, but luckily i still have a week left to finish studying. Last week there was a tropical storm that put me out of work for 2 days... which actually ended up okay because i had the stomach flu from hell those days and ended up sleeping and/ or barfing the whole time. and pooping. can't forget pooping. i know, gross!

so i was way way tired for a long time, but i think i'm finally getting back into my routine. went back to the gym for the first time in a week. i find it crazy how incredibly linked my mental and physical heath are... if i am feeling good physically, then i usually have a positive attitude and vice versa. i feel so dependent on the whole fitness endorphins thing. i suppose there could be worse things to be dependent on.

things have been weird at home, i don't even know where to start or where to end. it's just very complicated and i am trying to take all things into consideration before i make any changes in my life. i need to put myself first and that is difficult for me to do. but it's my life, i only get one. sigh.

okay i guess i should get back to the study attempt. hope everyone is doing well.

love,
vanessa

Geez

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:15:42 GMT

Man this is a sad freakin journal! Will try to stay more positive.

running your troubles away

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:56:29 GMT

yesterday i rode my bike and ran, and i'm about to go do the same before work this morning. i never before truly appreciated the healing power of running. i feel like a different (happier) person when i run. so i am going to make it a point to run at least 3-4 times per week and longer distances.

oh, also, i'm putting forth true effort to stop the nail-biting... even called the old geezer with the recorded hypnosis messages, that has worked in the past. so far one day and counting.

ok off to run. yesterday was pat's bday i think he had a good time. later!

--V

heavy

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:12:48 GMT

juliet
the dice was loaded from the start
and i bet that you exploded in my heart
i forget, i forget the movie song
when are you going to realize it was just that the time was wrong
juliet

you can fall for chains of silver
you can fall for chains of gold
you can fall for pretty strangers
and the promises they hold

i said i love you like the stars above
i love you till i die

i can't do a love song
i can't do anything except be in love with you
and all i do is miss you
and the way we used to be
and all i do is keep the beat
and the band company
and all i do is kiss you
through the bars of a rhyme

juliet
i said i love you like the stars above
i love you till i die
there's a place for us
you know the movie song
when are you going to realize it was just that the time was wrong
juliet

--The Killers, "Romeo and Juliet"

heavy week again... i'm tired of this heavy stuff. i feel like i have not been there for patrick like i need to. he got all sad the other day because he had a patient that overdosed and the patient didn't survive... when i got home patrick had out pictures of lance, i guess the situation reminded him of that... that time in his life was the saddest i have ever seen him... who wants to remember that? heavy heavy. anyway i was worried about him. i feek like i could have been there for him more than i have... i have been there for my other friends, why not my husband? anyway i'm going to try harder. we will see.

today

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:55:06 GMT

Wrote a paper for business law today about discrimination in the workplace. actually a fairly interesting topic... was able to write it a lot faster because of that.

tomorrow going to see dave matthews band. that should be cool.

i want to run in the morning so i'm going to get some sleep. hope everyone is well!

--vanessa

ps: amanda had some disheartening revelations about relationships today... how it seems everyone is just out to screw over their spouse. i guess it is a little sad to lose that naivety...

The secret to running a good 5k...

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:36:30 GMT

... is apparently to drink lots of beer the night before.

Sometimes

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:07:23 GMT

Sometimes I surprise myself in good ways, too.

promiscuity

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 13:39:12 GMT

i have to get ready for work, but have been reading an interesting book... it's a memoir about this girl and how she uses sex to make guys want her... very interesting book... about promiscuity and the reasons we use sex to attain love, and how backwards that is.

so i have to get ready for work... caribbean trips were oh so fun, but now i expect fruity drinks by the beach every day and working has been difficult!

hope everyone else is well!

love,
vanessa

Expectations

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 03:35:27 GMT

I'm not sure what i expect... or more specifically, why i expect things to be different when they have been the same for oh so long. you can't change people. especially if they are happy the way things are. i need to realize that and embrace it. i need to remember what counts. and i need to run a lot and ride my new bike.

fin.

From The Secret

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:21:47 GMT

It was all rainy today and that makes me very pensive. I got that book The Secret last year and although some of it seems a little silly, a lot of it makes sense. At least it seems like it wouldn't hurt to think positively and visualize your life the way you want it to be.

From the book:

"Create your day in advance by thinking the way you want it to go, and you will create your life intentionally."

"Every single thing that you've been through, every single moment that you've come through, were all to prepare you for this moment right now."

"So inner happiness actually is the fuel of success."

"Let go of difficulties from your past, cultural codes, and social beleifs. You are the only one who can create the life you deserve."

"You cannot help the world by focusing on negative things. As you focus on the world's negative events, you not only add to them, but you also bring more negative things into your own life."

"Treat yourself with love and respect, and you will attract people who show you love and respect."

"Expectation is a powerful attractive force. Expect the things you want, and don't expect the things you don't want."

"Gratitude is a powerful process for shifting your energy and bringing more of what you want into your life. Be grateful for what you already have, and you will attract more good things."

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought" --Buddha

"It is impossible to feel bad and at the same time have good thoughts."

"Your current thoughts are creating your future life. What you think about the most or focus on the most will appear as your life."

So just wanted to share those, I have found a lot of this to be true... that you attract things into your life via your thoughts, and if you have positive thoughts you will bring good things into your life.

Sunshine and happy clouds

Fri, 30 May 2008 20:18:17 GMT

Today I feel happy, like sunshine and happy clouds. Not really sure why, but I'm not going to question it. Maybe it's that I got some time off to chill in the caribbean. That could be it.

Okay not much to say I guess... hope everyone is well.

my Rx for myself

Fri, 23 May 2008 11:02:25 GMT

The crashing tides can't hide a guilty girl...
Beneath the chandeleir
Of stars and atmosphere

If you can keep a secret
I can keep a secret.

(killers lyrics i love them)

So last week I turned thirty. I do not feel 30 at all. weird i guess. last week was incredibly weird and stressful. Not so much the turning 30 stuff, just everything else in my life. I still have not really talked to amanda since the whole drug incident, which sucks because we're going to st. kitts together in a few weeks. crazy!

work has been rough... i hate gossip, it can be a very very bad thing. stupid rumors that go around. freaking ridiculous. makes me not even want to go to work sometimes. i guess i need this upcoming vacation.

mba weekend was fun. got to see melissa, who i had not seen in a while. that was nice. also good to see my teammates... very good people.

just so much going on i guess. i am ready for things to settle down a bit. i feel like i'm the only one my age with these issues. i feel so alone sometimes, like nobody understands what i am going through. this can be very frustrating. i didn't get to run much last week, maybe i just need that and to try and think positively and things will all be ok. oh and i need to listen to music... music, exercise, and positive thinking... that's my Rx for myself.

ok hope it works!

--Vanessa

confusion

Thu, 15 May 2008 03:05:08 GMT

This has been a very sad week. A lot going on i suppose. i have finals coming up this weekend and cannot think.

I feel like my friends have taken one of two paths. One set has done the get married and have kids thing, and they are well on their way to domestic happiness and stability. the other set has chosen a path of partying and drugs and stupid crap. i am inbetween these 2 it seems, with no kids and no desire to do drugs. sometimes i feel like i don't belong anywhere.

amanda wanted to go out for my birthday yesterday, so we went out to ragtime for a little while. then she and her stupid bf and dave and alli decided it was drug time, and i didn't want any part of it (and they know i never do), so i left. thanks guys, for going out on my birthday and then doing something you know i don't like to do. classic.

and then i just have so much going on in the rest of my life too, i can't even put it into words. i feel very overwhelmed. sometimes i dont know if i can take it.

i need to just calm down, breathe, and relax. i know things will be fine in the end but they are very confusing now. just taking it one day at a time i suppose.

--vanessa

dirty 30

Wed, 07 May 2008 21:30:00 GMT

so it's may now... of the year i turn 30! how crazy. i feel fine about it, no midlife crisis or anything. it's a bit weird though because sometimes i feel like i'm still a college kid and other times i feel incredibly grown up. what's it all about i guess? i don't know. all this stuff. just stuff.

i love music, there's a good song on now.

been running again, in fact am on my way to run now.

one week and a day and i will be the big 3-0. crazy!

ok guess that's it for now.

--vanessa

runner's high

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 02:52:43 GMT

i have not been able to run as much as i'd like, but i love the way i feel afterwards. so accomplished, happy.... euphoric even.

i got to run outside today, was nice.

gave me time to think about things, clear my brain of bad ideas, and just enjoy the world.

i thoroughly enjoyed it.

Positive

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:54:22 GMT

Accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative...

Fill yourself up with love and happiness, and the love and happiness you give will come back to you.

See yourself happy and it will become a reality.

Trying to live that way.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:12:45 GMT

i would like to make everyone happy, but alas i cannot.

the law of attraction and the power of the universe

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 11:43:18 GMT

so i was reading up on the law of attraction stuff... reminding myself that what you put into the universe, you get back. i need to start putting more positive thoughts out there.

one recommendation was, if you are fighting with your spouse, instead of giving negative energy you should write down all the things you like about the person. then you will just get back positive. like attracts like.

also you're supposed to visualize yourself where you want to be.

yesterday patrick slept in the other room again, this time citing hurt legs as his reason that he could not sleep in the same bed as me. said he would be too restless and wake me up throughout the night. also i was trying to get him to go somewhere for bday/anniversary time but he was being boring. sigh...

so starting now, i'm going to try and put positive out there so i get positive back. we'll see how it goes!

bridges

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:18:14 GMT

so my little hideaway is this place called seven bridges. they have good wine. i have had 3 glasses tonight and am feeling good.

seven bridges.... if i could take a bridge to another world, sometimes i think i would. sometimes i feel like i belong on the other side of the earth. sometimes i don't know where i belong.

went with my optical sales coworker. we talked about some stuff. we needed to talk about some stuff i guess.

it was good to talk to him. ever since i started this job, i have always felt like he was easy to talk to. which is nice.

so everything is cool, i think, at least for now. i am taking things day by day and seeing how everything goes.

so i suppose that is all for now.

The dichotomy

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 12:11:04 GMT

Sometimes I feel like two different people in one body. I feel like I have to decide each day which way I am going to go. Should I choose A or B? 1 or 2? Ha.

So who's to say what the right choices are? Am I supposed to listen to my conscience? Because that is not working, my conscience has no idea what to do. le sigh.

well i have to get ready to go to work now. later.

fiona

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 01:34:03 GMT

some fiona lyrics that i like. not too crazy relevant to right now, but i like them and it reminds me of college:

the shades and shadows undulate in my perception

i understand what i am still too proud to mention
to you

you say you understand

but you don't
understand

you say you'll never give up
seeing eye to eye

but never is a promise
and you
can't afford to lie

you'll never feel
the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper
than i've ever shown
to you

you say don't feel your dreams
it's easier than it seems

you say you'll never let me fall from heights so high

but never is a promise
and you can't afford
to lie

you'll never live
this life that i live
i'll never live the life that wakes me in the night

you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight

but as the scene regrows i see in different light

i realize what i am now too smart to mention
to you

you say you understand
you'll never understand

i'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why

i don't know what to believe in
you don't know who i am

you say i need appeasing
when i start to cry

but never
is a promise

and i
never need a lie